


Hit it Like Lightning

by nimblermortal



Series: Before They Were Gods [3]
Category: Norse Mythology
Genre: Bad Jokes, Gen, Origins, Pansexual Character, also goats, frat boy gods, it's not bestiality if you're a beast when you do it, objectification of women, sort of like it's not cannibalism to be a man-eating tiger, that was your warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-08 08:39:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/759365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimblermortal/pseuds/nimblermortal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our boys are not always the great noble gods. Sometimes they are more like drunken frat boys. Also, a deviation into Loki's views on shape, sexuality, and baiting the All-Father.</p><p>We know that Loki is a shapeshifter and that, though born a jotun, he does not identify as such. So why should he identify as an As, either?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hit it Like Lightning

“Hey,” Odin said, nudging Loki. He gestured at Frigga across the room. “Take a gander at that.”

“What?”

“I’d hit that like lightning,” Odin said. “She is smoking. She is hot. She is gorgeous.”

“Oh,” said Loki, realization dawning. He looked across the room. He supposed Frigga was beautiful in her way, but she didn’t do anything for Loki. He was willing to accept the challenge, though, if Odin wanted to bring her home.

“Yeah, I am hitting that,” Odin said, talking himself up. He nudged Loki. “What about you?”

Loki looked around. Truth to tell, he didn’t find anything here that attractive. He’d had better luck in mortal halls. “Dunno,” he said.

“Come on, man!”

“Fine,” said Loki, and nudged Odin back, pointing. “Look there.”

Odin looked. He was silent for a moment. Then, “Loki, is that a goat?”

“Mm-hm,” Loki said. “And quite a fine one.”

Odin burst out laughing. “Good one, mate!” he said, and drained his glass. Loki sighed and went slowly female beside him, wondering if Odin would notice. He also wondered, academically, how slowly he would have to turn into a goat for Odin not to notice that, at his current rate of alcohol consumption and what he knew of Odin’s natural tolerance.

It became less academic when Odin stood up to talk to Frigga and wound up walking out of the hall with her. Loki sighed and looked into the bottom of his glass. It was going to be a long and boring night without Odin unless he followed suit.

Loki hated boredom. He left with the most beautiful creature in the hall.

 

“Even you agreed that it’s not bestiality if you’re a beast when you do it,” Loki said, bored, though that had been the fruit of one of the most entertaining conversations he had ever had.

“Yes, but you’re an As really,” Odin said. Loki threw up his hands.

“I’m a jötunn really!” he cried. “By your logic I should hole up all day eating snow and share sex with all the men around me. Exclusive sexual relations are some of the best things your people have ever come up with.”

Odin was distracted. Again. He was too easy to distract, it wasn’t even fun anymore. “Jötunn sex is just like one big orgy all the time?”

“Don’t have enough women.” Loki smiled. “Except when I am one.”

“Loki!”

“Stone and bone, Odin. Just face it: I am not as restricted as you are. I have more fun than you do.”

“I suppose a pasty-faced ginger has to get some somehow,” Odin grumbled. Jealous, Loki thought serenely. Probably couldn’t get his transformations to stick. “At the cost of getting pregnant.”

“It’s not as bad as you think. I rather enjoy it, actually,” Loki said, examining his fingernails.

“With _goats_.”

“Still not a problem. The goats seem to manage.”

“You’re not a goat.”

“Well, not at the moment, though if your tastes run that way -”

“Loki.”

“I make a fine lady goat if I do say so myself, though the father was certainly pleased -”

“Loki, that’s -”

“And I’d be happy to oblige such a good friend, though I do find interspecies sex a bit unusual -”

“Loki, you know very well that’s not what I meant.”

“Baa,” said Loki. “I could say something about your taste in humans - your _contact_ with humans - if I chose, but really, Odin, if you don’t want to have this discussion, perhaps you shouldn’t be so close-minded about my relationships. It’s quite strange in a seidrmadr.”

“Just promise me you won’t do it again.”

“Why? He was quite a nice goat. And very handsome. And such a sport in the hay. I’d been hoping for a, ah, longer relationship.” Loki was enjoying himself, but then, he always did when there was more at risk. His grin turned wolfish, which was not such an idle metaphor in a shapeshifter, and if Odin hadn’t been spending so much time with Geri and Freki, he might have been a little - excited. Warriors were never afraid. Being with Loki was exciting.

“Or perhaps it is my kids you object to,” Loki suggested. Odin put a hand over his eyes.

“All-Father. You’re going to call all of your future children your kids now, aren’t you?”

Of course he would. His grin said as much. It also said that maybe he wouldn’t have thought of it if Odin hadn’t said something, but Odin knew that Loki loved to imply that, just because it made every comment hurt a little more if his victim could think it was his own fault. “It’s a little arrogant to swear by yourself, isn’t it?” Loki asked. “Trust me, All-Father. You’ll be happy enough to have Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr at your side.”

**Author's Note:**

> "Stone and bone" is a really inappropriate curse for Loki. I took it from the German "Stein und Bein", which no one actually uses by the way, which refers to the stones of a church and the bones of a martyr. Cool, but thoroughly inappropriate in this context.
> 
> And I'm sorry for the description of jötunn sex. Clearly I was reading too much fic when I wrote this. Or maybe Loki is just baiting Odin again.


End file.
